Here I sit on this extremely hot Labor Day at my favorite watering hole Casa del Rey, sipping on a Vickie made Margarita, my first since August 19th nearly a week before we left for Maui. I’ve got to tell you it is excellent, well worth the wait! Nobody makes a Margie as good as Vickie! It’s everything you expect in a Margie and more!
Yeah I’m sitting here at my usual high top table with my laptop open staring at a blank page, at a total loss about what to write. Since the passing of my cousin Dave nearly seven weeks ago I haven’t been able to write much. After writing his eulogy I just sort of shut down. Since his death I’ve only been able to write a handful of new posts. Most of what I’ve been posting are reposts of past blogs. I’m sorry about that, but try as I might I just can’t seem to stay focused long enough to write anything. My mind begins to wander and soon I’m caught up in sweet memories of Dave.
I’m having a hell of a time moving on. I can’t seem to stop thinking about Dave. I’m not in denial or anything like that, I know Dave is dead and I totally accept that fact, yet for about a month after he passed I was very angry. I know that anger is a natural reaction when dealing with the death of a loved one and I must confess that for the briefest of moments I was angry at Dave not only for dying but for leaving me here! Can you believe that?Thankfully that foolishness passed quickly. My angry wasn’t directed at God, fate, Dave’s doctors or even the illness that caused his death, no, my angry was born of the guilt I was feeling for not doing more for Dave and not being there for him more often, which of course was silly because I was there for him. Even sillier was the anger I felt because I hadn’t been able to save him.! As if I could have! I tell you some rather strange thoughts run through our minds when we’re grieving.
Although I will miss Dave dearly I’ve accepted the fact that he is gone and and all physical interaction with him has ended. This is my new reality, my new norm. Life goes on. I know Dave has moved on to the afterlife and has left the crippled body that has held him prisoner for far too long. He is at peace. And though he is gone he will not be forgotten. I’ve got nearly 63 years worth of memories made with that character and right now too many of them are swimming around in my head. It’s crazy!
As if that’s not bad enough there are so many triggers that set the memories off, places, people, objects and especially music! Every time I hear Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Neil Young or a host of other artists, I’m sent reeling down memory lane! But I guess that’s not really such a bad thing. All the memories that come to mind are all fond memories. Yeah when I think of Dave it brings a smile to my face. Sometimes they bring a tear or two, but they’re happy tears if you can understand that. Yeah we had so many good times. I can never replace whats been lost, but I treasure the many years we shared and thank God for the experience. As Dave and I always used to say “It’s just part of the trip.”
Life goes on…